


Totally Fucked

by Spark_Stark



Series: To Bring You Back Home [6]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Spencer Reid, Awkward Conversations, Boss/Employee Relationship, Break Up, Feelings Realization, I'm Sorry, Idiots in Love, M/M, Sad, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:22:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25244584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spark_Stark/pseuds/Spark_Stark
Summary: Spencer's in love. He does something about it.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Series: To Bring You Back Home [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820395
Comments: 17
Kudos: 227





	1. Chapter 1

JJ didn't want to leave Spencer alone that night, he was upset and confused. But he was insistent on confronting the man he was in love with that night. "I have to tell him, JJ. I can't- If I don't do it now then I don't think I ever will." He admitted, his eyes were glossy with tears that were yet to fall. 

She conceded. "I'll be waiting here for you to get back." 

He was still dressed in his attire from the day, they had taken the jet back to Virginia that morning and Spencer had been sitting in his apartment alone with his thoughts and memories from the night before in the hotel with Hotch. The man he was in love with. 

When he got to Hotch's apartment, he knocked on the door before he could change him mind and run home again. Hotch had opened the door a few seconds later, surprised but pleased to see Reid on the other side. "I'm not going to have sex with you anymore." His smile disappeared. 

Not knowing what to do, Hotch stepped back to allow Spencer in, but the younger man shook his head. "Spencer, what's wrong?" The concern was clear in his voice. 

"I-I've been emotionally compromised." He admitted softly. Hotch put his arm out for him but Spencer stepped back further into the hallway. "I have to go." He turned away from his boss and started walking quickly down the hallway. 

Hotch called out after him. "Re- Spencer, wait." He begged, but the young genius didn't obey. He was already halfway down the flight of stairs. Hotch stood there, in his doorway staring down the hallway. He stepped back into his apartment and slammed the door shut in a fit of rage. 

He was uncharacteristically close to tears. Sitting down on the floor against the wall, he ran his hand through his hair and loosened his tie. 

Emotionally compromised? What was that supposed to mean? Had Spencer developed feelings for somebody else? 

What did that mean for Hotch? Spencer was, whether he admitted to it or not, one of the reasons that had been a factor in his decision to separate from Haley. He couldn't fix his relationship with Haley when Spencer was constantly on his mind. Hotch found it almost laughable, he had been so head over heels for Spencer while the man was obviously interested in somebody else. And Hotch had tried to push the boundaries of their arrangement; calling him 'baby', learning what Spencer liked in bed to try and actively please him. Because pleasing Spencer pleased Hotch. 

God, he was a fucking idiot. 

He decided to deal with his feelings the old fashioned way. 

Hotch (8.10pm)  
I need a drink.

Rossi (8.12pm)  
You came to the right guy.

He smiled and stood up from his position on the floor. He could always rely on Dave when he needed it. The two men had been friends for years and neither had ever let the other down. Hotch took his tie off completely and threw it over the back of his couch, he wasted no time in grabbing his car keys and his coat. 

-

Dave crossed his legs and raised his eyebrow but didn't say anything. Hotch sighed. "Dave, I don't know what to do." 

"So let me get this straight," Rossi said. "You, Aaron Hotchner, thought you could enjoy a purely sexual relationship with somebody. No feelings attached." Hotch gave him an annoyed look and the older man did the best he could not to laugh. 

Hotch looked down at the glass of scotch in his hand. "Was that foolish of me?" He asked timidly. 

Rossi's expression was so strong that Hotch could feel it without even looking at him. "Yes." He said in his usual blunt way. "Aaron Hotchner is a marriage guy. You always have been. Did you expect that to change?" He asked rhetorically, but his tone was kind and sympathetic. 

The unit chief shook his head. "I don't know what I expected." He admitted quietly. Rossi leaned over from his armchair and patted him on the shoulder. "I don't know what to do."

"You need to talk to him."

Tears were forming behind his eyes as he shook his head again. He drained the rest of his glass. "What am I meant to say? I love him but he loves somebody else. I can't-"

Dave put his glass on the small coffee table between them. "Aaron, did it ever occur to you that maybe this man is in love with you?" 

"Do you think I'd be here if I thought it was me he had feelings for?" 

The older man answered without missing a beat. "Yes." He replied. "The signs were there and you saw them. You're a damn good profiler, Aaron. You just didn't let yourself believe it."


	2. Chapter 2

Astonishment was not the word for what JJ was experiencing, she felt like she was physically unable to lift her jaw from the ground where it had fallen after Spencer he relayed the events of his conversation between him and his now ex-partner. "You are the most idiotic genius I know." She said tiredly. 

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm the only genius you know." He replied. JJ closed her eyes and sighed.

"Why did you tell him-" She interrupted herself. "What were you thinking?" She asked exasperated, standing up and putting her hands on her hips, staring at Spencer.

He looked down at his shoes and shrugged. "It's what had to be done." He walked into the kitchenette and opened the cabinet below his sink, reaching in to take out his medication. "I'm tired." He said. 

"Spence, I don't think you should be alone tonight." JJ admitted. She walked over to the man by the sink and placed her hand on his bicep. 

As much as Spencer wanted to object, he knew that JJ was just looking out for him. And if he was being honest, he wasn't positive that he would make it through the night without relapsing. Since his detox, he had always called Hotch when he felt the first signs of cravings. He couldn't do that anymore. He had put himself in that situation and now he was totally fucked. "Okay." He whispered. 

"I'll give you a ride to work in the morning." She said. "Don't set your alarm, I'll come wake you." 

He didn't know he was crying until JJ had reached out to wipe them away. "Thank you, JJ." He whispered, his voice cracked. She enveloped him into a tight embrace and rested her head on his chest. She felt his heart beat and his chest rising and falling just a bit too fast and she closed her eyes to stop her own tears from falling. Tonight she needed to be strong for her friend, her brother. 

-

The line went dead and Hotch pulled the phone away from his ear and sighed. He had refused Rossi's offer to stay the night in one of the guest rooms, citing that he needed to sleep in his own bed that night. He didn't mention that he wanted to breathe in Spencer's scent one last time before he let go of the man he loved. 

"Drive safe, Aaron." Rossi said, bidding his heartbroken friend goodbye. "If you don't feel up to it tomorrow, text me in the morning and I'll cover for you in the morning. Even the unit chief is entitled to a sick day every once in a while." He patted Hotch on the shoulder and smiled sadly. Hotch nodded and opened the car door.

He drove home in silence. He never enjoyed listening to the radio in the car, especially tonight. Tonight he just wanted to fall asleep and not think about anything. Tomorrow would be a new day, hopefully bringing a well needed distraction. But things were rarely that simple. He let his nightly conversation with Jack over the phone run through his mind. He was scheduled to have his son for the weekend if he was not away on a case and he had planned to take him to the Smithsonian. Last week Jack mentioned that he wanted to be an astronaut when he was older, and even though Hotch knew that he'd probably grow out of the idea, he was going to encourage Jack to learn and enjoy himself throughout his childhood in a way he had only wished he could.

When he got home, Hotch stripped down into his undershirt and changed into a pair of worn sweatpants. He didn't bother to brush his teeth or put his shirt into his hamper, he fell into his bed and closed his eyes. No matter how hard he tried, the events of the evening played through his mind. He rolled over and the smell of coffee and cinnamon overwhelmed his senses. He felt the heat of tears gather at the edges of his eyes and he cried himself to sleep for the first time since he was a teenager.


End file.
